It's official...

Two week notice

Today marks the beginning of my final two weeks of corporate whoredom. I've got a ton to do these two weeks. I have to finish three or four three-minute videos clips. I have to write an employee news article. I have to make a long-promised presentation next week. And more. AND I have to clean out my cube. It's a mess; I don't exactly have a detailed filing system, more like stacks of crap. But, it's got to be done, and it will be well worth it!

Oh, and go see Superbad--It is indeed.

Things I won't miss about Corporate America, part 4

No. 4: The conference room




This is where good ideas go to die. Any corporate whore would tell you they've wasted away countless hours in the confines of the often-windowless conference room. This one, my "home base," if you will, is an obvious exception to that. Even so, I've spent many clock-watching meetings here. Knowing that in 23 short days, my new conference room will be the local pub, is quite comforting.

Things I won't miss about Corporate America, part 3

No. 3: The cubicle



The cube farm -- home of the corporate whore. It's my six-by-six feet of space where I spend 45 hours a week. I've spent more than 4000 hours in this box in the last two-plus years; that's 166 days. Soon, my only surroundings will be the mountains, beaches, fjords and glaciers of New Zealand. Now that's a hell of a promotion.

Things I won't miss about Corporate America, part 2

No. 2: The commute




Don't get me wrong, the rush-hour commute in Omaha isn't that bad, relatively speaking--I have about 20-25 minutes in the morning and a solid half hour in the evening. But it's the principle of the matter! The commute serves as the bookends for your day as a corporate whore. It's symbolic. It's like driving the squad car to your own jail sentece.

But, thank god, I'm selling my car before I head off, and I won't be looking back.

By the way, I'm down to under a month now!

Things I won't miss about Corporate America

Over the next few weeks, I'd like to share some of the things I deal with on a daily basis that I will not miss once I'm gone. I have no room in my heart for these things, and based on how much they suck, I'm certain they have similar feelings for me.

No. 1:

PowerPoint



Good god PowerPoint sucks. People use it for everything. Presentation? PPT. Need to share a photo? Put it in a PPT. Proposal? PPT. Want to ask for a day off? PPT.

It's depressing.

This guy pretty much sums up how I feel about this godforsaken piece of software. And he's hilarious.

Corporate words I hate

Today's word: Critical

If you assumed the true meaning of the word critical every time it was used in the corporate world, there would be either dead guys in suits all over the damn place or we'd all have extra limbs due to nuclear fallout. Critical should refer either:

--to a person at risk of death due to illness or injury: After I hit him over the head with my laptop for using a word incorrectly, he was in critical condition

or

--to having enough fissionable matter to sustain a reaction

It also can refer to a person who criticizes: I am critical of those who misuse words. Depending on your dictionary, you may or may not get a definition that's somewhat close to what the man in the suit is trying to say, but it really isn't the right word. If it's critical that we get this report done by Friday, we're in hella trouble.

Seriously folks, the word you are looking for is crucial. Crucial refers to an extremely important decision or result. Again folks, please take care of our words. It's the only thing that really separates us from the animals.

Corporate words I hate

During my last couple months in Corporate America, I thought that I would do some venting. This will be a periodical feature about terrible words used in the corporate world. Corporate America uses tons of cliches and misuses words like it will raise the stock price. As a writer, this makes me feel very sad.


Today's word: Learnings

Learnings is not a word. Even Microsoft Office knows that! It gives you the squiggly red lines people! Learning, singular, can be a noun if we are referring to academic activity. Like an instition of higher learning. Other than that, learning is the present participle of learn. It is a verb. Can't we just leave our poor verbs alone?

It's Friday!

Some people's voice are filled with so much excitement over saying those words. I love Fridays as much as the next guy, but how depressing is it that we give so much credence to one day of the week? We're essentially admitting to ourselves and everyone around us that the four days that preceded today were inferior to the next two. Why do so many of us go through life enjoying three (really just two) days of every week more than the other four? Now, I've forgotten just about everything I learned in my stats class, but I'm pretty sure that's a shitty ratio.

And that really gets to the heart of what I'm doing. Why should I waste my one shot at this thing called life worrying about slogging through five days each week just to "enjoy" two more? There are better ways for all of us to spend our lives than as living Dilberts, periodically enjoying 28.5 percent of our existence. There are far too many places to see, people to meet and beers to be drunk, and I intend to get in my fair share of all three.

Corporate whore travels, continued

The travel gods are out to get me, it would seem.

I made it to Philly, but now more fun! Even more than last night, I promise.

First, there's a $185 fee to leave the rental car here (Again, thank god for company expensing)

Flight is delayed by an hour. So that means i get into chi-town about 25 mins before my connecting flight. Hopefully. Anyone who's traveled worth a shit knows that I can't count on getting into o'hare on time. (i also asked about getting standby on an earlier flight out of philly, but the only other one is over booked by TWENTY FIVE PEOPLE!)

What's more, if i miss my flight there, it's the last one out tonight. AND all united flights to Omaha tomorrow are booked. Woo!

So needless to say, i'm enjoying a beer on the good ole expense report. Thank god for that, at least.

Corporate whore travels

Right now, I'm in the middle of Pennsylvania. I'm here only for about 24 hours. Actually only 22 hours, since my flight got messed up.

I was to fly omaha to philly via o'hare. Weather thought otherwise--landing in chicago, i discovered my flight to be canceled. United did automatically rebook me, but that meant getting into philly three hours later than was planned. Oh, AND i had a 2.5 hour drive to take after I landed.

So, being the quick-thinking traveler that i am, i decided to see if they could just switch me to a flight into harrisburg, which actually was about an hour closer to my destination, but was too expensive to book originally. No sweat--they guy did it in 2 minutes. Now to re-arrange my rental car--nice and easy, the travel agent said i'd have a car in h-burg, to return to philly.

Wrong! Landing in harrisburg, i find out that the usual company has ZERO cars left. "You don't have my reservation?" Nope, was the answer.

OK, call back the travel agent. "Well, looks like it never got changed," the guy explained.

OK...what about a different place? No cars anywhere?!?! How?

So after a few minutes of thinking I'm totally trapped in Harrisburg, Pa., the guy decides to be just a scheming as I was in my flight rebooking--TELL a company that i'd return a car to harrisburg, then drop it at philly, and let the travel agency sort it out.

One of the few good things about traveling for work. I can get away with stuff like this. Won't be long before I have to pay for my own travel screw-ups.

Fun at work?!

It's thursday night at MSP airport, which means there's a lot of business travelers running around, looking absolutely miserable. Complaints are filling the air (mine included), and folks are ready for the week to be over. But one group seems to be consistently happy at the aiport--the pilots. Always smiling, joking around with eachother, being here obviously isn't a drag for these guys. How great to love your job that much, huh? I suppose having an office with such a view as theirs surely helps. (Look how excited that guy is!)

Maybe I've found my calling afterall...

TravMonkey.com: 5 Reasons To Quit Your Job and Go Traveling

TravMonkey's got a great post today about 5 Reasons To Quit Your Job and Go Traveling. Good man!

For those who have never visited his blog, he's a Brit living in Australia, and letting his readers help make some of his decisions, such as where to go and where to live.

Results-only work environment

Check out these articles on Best Buy's new culture. No required office hours or mandatory meetings. Wanna sleep in today? Go for it! Leave early for a movie? No problem!

THAT is a corporate culture I might actually enjoy.

Entrepreneur magazine

Business Week